I want to talk about the most miserable days in my life which will be stamped in my memory unto my last breath .It was in 2010, when I was a sophomore student in English department, I specialized exactly at the first semester of the same year, and registered 18hs all of which I was attending three days a week from 8am-4pm.
I made up my mind to finish my study during three years and a half, and to increase my total average more than 86 since it was my total in the first year. I was shamefaced to get that total, for after I end tawjihi with 93.6 I promised my father to try my best to end my college study with the same level. So at the beginning of that semester I did my best studying day and night to achieve my goal, that I finished my first examinations excellently .However, the second examinations did not pass as I wished, my ambition seems to be dashed by a tough obstructions, since what I never even thought of to happen started to blacken my life .
At October of that semester, my father’s health suddenly deteriorated, therefore; we moved to the hospital to be cured, it was exactly the fourth of October, and he stayed there for four days during which I could not sleep day or night. I was wakeful all the night praying for God to bring him back home fine; when we entered upon morning, I used to go to my university attending my classes absent minded thinking only of seeing my father at the end of that day. Sometimes I could not bear to attend the six classes so I used to escape the last one to see him early in order to sit with him longer time before sunset. I used to go with my elderly two sisters after finishing our classes; we were sitting together talking, entertaining him about one hour and a half, after that we would turn back to home to assure our family that he is fine.
The next day it was a holiday for me so I couldn’t go to see him. I couldn’t describe my feeling at that day it was as if something slashing me. How cold our house be without my father. My mother used to visit him everyday afternoon and return back home at sunset, for my uncle was his companion, the moment she came out of the door we rushed all gathering around her, to know what the doctor has said about his illness, but she always answers with the same reply, “they told me nothing “. With all of this ambiguity about his real illness, I never permit my thought to let me think of that terrible day in which I will lose my father forever. After five days my father turned back home, we all hurried to embrace him, I hug him, kissed him, and asked his permission to utter a shrill cry of joy, then I made along warmth one with my happiness tears falling from my eyes and so were his. After three days exactly, his health deteriorated again and we took him back to the hospital, since then we started to think of the black cloud that will cover our home. My sister Manar while talking at midnight exploded crying and told us that our father’s end is very close; she strongly felt that in the last period, but I reassured her by telling her that I had dreamt that he was dying so he will live a long life according to dream’s interpretation
The next day while my parents were in the hospital, a strange car stopped before our house from which two men stepped down and asked for my father, my brother told them that he is in the hospital so they went to see him there. My father who was astonished for seeing that man, who was his friend before fifteen years, asked him “what makes you remember me now after that long time?”The man replied “I came to you for a request, but I feel that it is not the right place to talk of now, when you turn back home we will visit you and talk about it” Four days later, after my father’s return from the hospital, the man called him, asked for a visit, and paid us a visit the next day, I knew later that he was coming in search for a pride for his son.
After two days he sent us his wife and his two sisters, who chose me to be their daughter –in law. The next day they came with their son, I saw him and we sat together talking half an hour. Meanwhile, they gave us a week to send them an answer of yes or no. After I took my time to think I offered my consent , so they come to our home to read “Al-Fatiha” as an introduction to the marriage contract which they agreed to make the next Wednesday (the fourth of November). At the same night we sat all together with my father, I hug him when I saw the tears filling his eyes for I was the first of my sisters to get engaged during his life, he said that he doubts if he could secure us all before dying expressed his feeling of a close death.
The other day, while he was sitting with my small twin sisters, who were only five years old at that time, he told them that he will die soon, they rushed to me crying but I reassured them by telling them that he is sick a little bit and wants only to examine their love for him, I went to him and spent the whole day in his company trying not to make him thinking of death anymore.
In his last days, he was very tired and refused to go to the hospital before my engagement at Wednesday, I insisted that he should go to the hospital for his life is more important to me than anything else, but he became stubborn and did not listen to any one professing that three or four days will not make any difference, in addition to the fact that when one’s life is end he must die. I could not forget his voice in his last days, his cries out of pain, I still remember, as if I hear him now praying God to release him and to end his misery, I could feel his pain as if it was mine, each cry was painful than a stab to my heart, for I could do him nothing but trying to calm him down, and to pray for his restoration of health
The day before his death he asked us not to leave him alone ,so all of my family stayed with him all the day long, of course I could not stay with him that day because I returned from my university at five o’clock , at night all of my sister went to sleep except we who were in the university , we kept chatting with him, he was asking us about our studies, how do we proceed and what are our plans for the future, I remember that the last words that he had said to me was “may God be pleased with you” then he went to sleep and we did so.
The next day (2nd, Nov.2009) I was awakened at the sound of horror and a black atmosphere, it was the first day to rain in that winter. I do not know how my legs carried me upstairs to my father’s room, all that I could remember that I saw my mother crying “we lost him forever, your father died ” I told her not to utter those words, for when I saw him he was sleeping as usual at his right side putting his hand under his head, there was not any terrible features or signs of a dead body that I used to see in television. I tried hard to awaken him up and so did my sisters, but uselessness. My mother could not tolerate this scene so she went out of the room and called my uncle to bring a doctor with him to make a checkup; she also called my sisters to get back home from their way to the university telling them that my father is very tired. When the doctor entered the room we were all sitting outside praying God not to take our father for we could not live without him. The doctor unsatisfying to our hopes emphasized his death; we out of shock fell transfixed to the ground. At this moment my sisters arrived, they hurried to his room, when they saw him covered unto his face they fell faint; we awakened them, calmed them down and stuck together trying to conceive the situation. Meanwhile, we decide not to cry for our grief will not cause him any benefit ,therefore; we went to perform the ritual ablution and came back to his room, sat surrounding him , and started reading ‘Quran’ for him, I took hold of his hand and kept reading ”yasin” for him for an hour .
When our uncles and our step brothers arrive ,since they were in Jenin while we were living in Nablus ,my uncle asked us to leave the room to prepare him for the burial, they rinsed him and dressed him the shroud. After they finished the preparation, they put the coffin in the parlor, uncover his face and asked us to bid him fare well for entombment is the best endowment for the dead body, I kissed him the last kiss with my tears frozen in my eyes, and so did my sisters, after that they came to lift the coffin but we could not leave him so we went with the funeral which was directed to Jenin, to his place of birth where my grandmother, was waiting to see him. When we reach our kinfolk’s dwelling in Dair Abu Dai’ef, they put the coffin in the housing’s yard in order for our relative to see him for the last time before the burial. When my grandmother saw him, she became languid, kissed him, and bade him farewell. She looked as if she had lost her mind because she, after that day kept asking who you are? Sometimes she seemed not to know anyone, when we told her that we are your grandson and that our father died, she would not stop crying; she had survived two of her sons during her life.
When we returned to our home at night the house was crowded of relatives, we took ourselves and ascended to my father’s room, , sat on his bed watching his pictures, holding his clothes and smelling it , my aunt came to us there, told us that we must keep our eyes open to the truth and to accept it since it is something that is not in our hands, something which is imposed upon every human being, then she told us to go to my mother downstairs for she now in her stronger need for us and that we must release her not to increase her grief, we listened to her, went to my mother and hugged her trying to be somehow coherent, and to dominate our sentiments. I felt that I am about to burst because I try hardly to prevent myself from crying to calm my small sisters down.
At midnight, I sneaked to my father’s room, stood by the door where the sack which contains the outfit that is made especially for the dead was emplaced; I opened it, picked the essence flask out of it, and smelt it. Then I sat on his bed reading Quran. Suddenly the power turned off, it was the last quarter of the night, the moon’s light was reflected on the white sack so I sat transfixed out of fear and closed my eyes, when the power turned on again I hurried to my family down stairs screaming, so my aunts closed the room with the keys and kept them somewhere preventing us from entering it. We all sat down stairs with our relatives sleepless talking about my father and how we could not believe that we lost him forever. We did not go to the university until Thursday when my mother told us all to go to his place( school, university.. etc.), since our staying at home will change nothing but increasing our pain, and for our father had always encouraged us to be aware of our study, as a result ; we dressed ourselves and moved to the university. When I passed the doorstep to the street and started walking I felt as if the passers-by in the street were all viciousness, who wanted to eat me. How loneliness I felt since that time because I lost what was made me feel safe-keeping for I used to see my father every day morning sitting in the veranda sipping his daily cup of tea, and telling him goodbye before going to my university. When I reached the university, I entered the class hole discovering that the student were having an exam, I could hardly utter those words “I lost my father” the instructor accepted to delay the exam for me. Then I sat in the corridor unable to quit crying , I was burdened with grief and an extensive feeling of lack to the extent that I could not tolerate the sympathizing eyes that were falling upon me ,thus I turned back home .The next Sunday was my first examination, I could not study well as before, because I accustomed myself to study during the night, hearing my father’s cough merely was made me feel safe, what was more comfortable to me that sometimes he would come to me releasing me by praying me good luck .But now who would release me out of my fears. No one, nobody could make me feel the same feeling that my father could. Since my father’s death I spent much time suffering from bad imagination and painful memories. So being unable to study during the night out of fear and unable to study during the day for I did not use to do that; my total average deteriorated day after the other, It took me long time before I could admit the hard reality .I remembered the oath that I gave to my father in which I committed myself to improve my average ,henceforward, I started recollecting my strength determining to study for my father’s sake ,I tried my best for the purpose of lessening the losses ,but it was a little bit late, nevertheless, I will try more and more to end my BA with B at least.